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My Big Bazooka

by | Tuesday, 22nd November 2011

So last week I went to see Herr Hitl … eh … Merkel.

What do you mean, “she’s not a man?” Have you ever met her?

Anyway, I slapped my Big Bazooka down on the table in front of her. S/He wasn’t impressed. Said it wasn’t big enough! And then I get back from Germany, and Boris is laughing at it as well! People in glass houses ...

But today I made some progress - I got Herr Merkel to agree that we could “repatriate” some of the Working Time Directive. That’s right folks, you lot are going to have to work harder!

Especially all you lazy lay-abouts on long term benefits - and especially especially you under 30s - you’re all going to work. You hear me?! You’re going to work, and you’re going to get 50 pence an hour.

It’s simple. Councils have no money. Once they’ve paid their Chief Executives, channelled the brown envelopes into Common Purpose coffers, and covered the cost of all those trips abroad, they can’t afford the street sweepers and Parkies any more. I mean, where do these people get off expecting upwards of £16,000 a year for pushing a brush around or pulling out a few weeds? Are they mad?

So I’ve told Councils to make them redundant. No public pension pot for them, oh no. I’m going to get some “volunteers” to do that work instead. And if you long term unemployed won’t volunteer, I’m going to stop your benefits.

Just like I’m doing for that other lot on the sick.

Look, we can’t afford sick and disabled people any more. We just can’t. So we decided to ramp up the huge propaganda campaign we’ve been running in the Daily Mail. Every day for the next several years, we’ll continue to bombard you, with “benefits cheat” stories so that the sickies get no public sympathy whatsoever when we cut off their money. You will cheer as they starve and freeze to death over the next few winters, because you’ll know that all the while they were stealing your hard earned tax dollars.

But I know times are hard for you too. Have you heard of Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac? You know, the two government backed mortgage schemes over there on the other side of the pond. The ones that Clinton brought in. (Strangely enough, he had a Big Bazooka as well, but his was bent.) Freddie and Fannie have almost bankrupted the US government and went quite a way to getting us into this financial mess in the first place by giving loans to a bunch of losers that had no chance of paying them back.

Well, guess what, I’m setting up something just like it over here in the UK! Brilliant idea, isn’t it?

We have so many people in this country who deserve the chance to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds in interest payments to the banks.

So we’re going to re-stoke the sub-prime mortgage market! And while we’re at it, we’re going to make government money available for housing developers who want to restart “stalled” developments that no-one in their right mind would want to live in.

Yes indeedie ... Herr Merkel and I have a plan. We’ve done a deal which will see Europe at war within a decade. It starts by stoking the hyperinflation, killing the vulnerable, shutting down the media, and keeping you lot working so hard and so long that you haven’t time to raise your heads.

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