Liverpool Care Pathway rules, OK!

I struggle sometimes to understand what Ken tells me to say. It's just not fair. What does "noble profession" mean? Or "brazenly elitist?" Is anyone going to swallow that? I suppose its better than hollering "education, education, education!"

Its great, though. Because apart from the rubbish I have to say in public in order to keep Ken and his Tory Whip happy, the reality of the situation is that this is just one of the bright ideas I have to keep my mates employed during the coming depression. I had to do something to keep the riff-raff out of the teacher training colleges. Diversity? Pah!

I know what you're thinking, though. Why would any of my mates want to work in such a low paid job? There's no way teachers salaries will increase to a respectable level, is there? Well, of course, if teachers were to continue to work in the public sector, you'd be right. But we're corporatising everything! Didn't you know? Haven't you heard about ARK? Local Authorities are soon going to be mere shells with a Board of Directors on six-figure salaries and seven figure pensions. They won't have to do anything much, 'cause it'll all be outsourced.

I'm sorry? What's that you're asking? Councillors? What councillors? There's won't be any by the time I've been PM for a year or two. Didn't you know? This is the post democratic society.

I was at Chatham House last week to give a speech. Ken says the BNP is a threat and we can can't let them grab the agenda. He says the other parties are making a pigs ear of opposing them, especially UKIP. So he made me talk about immigration in my speech. I didn't want to. I don't want anyone to start counting the Black or Asian faces in my front bench team!

Anyway, I think I got away with it. Instead of making any kind of commitment, I said that it's a bit pointless having tougher laws for deporting people if we're not going to stop them getting into the country in the first place, and left it at that. I mean, we don't like having these people here, but we need them so we can destabilise the rest of you. Pretty soon now, we'll disappear the lot of you anyway. Last week got worse, though, at PMs questions. Ken sent William down to look after me, but I got slaughtered. I thought I'd hit Gordon with a real body blow - the failed coup attempt. He hit straight back at my NHS poster campaign.

What was wrong with the posters? Don't I look sweet? I mean, sure, they removed a few wrinkles, but so what?

Actually, have you worked out why I chose the NHS as the subject of the campaign? You got it! Just like I stole the "change" idea from Obama, my first agenda item once I'm elected will be health provision for the masses. Look, we just can't do it. You understand, don't you? In the same way we are asking you to drive less, eat less, drink less and so on, we're also asking you to live less! 60 million people? We can't have that! So we're going to privatise the NHS. We're going to ration health care to the most deserving - politicians, celebrities and charity workers. The rest of you will get the best palleative care we can afford. Liverpool Care Pathway rules, OK!