Guillotine The Lot Of Them

So, you'll no doubt have heard  - I'm hiring! I need a new spin doctor - I had to give Andy the shove. I'm not sure where I'm going to find someone. Ideally I should have someone as slimey as Alastair Campbell. Do you think you fit the bill?

The selection procedure is simple - first there'll be a Myers-Briggs personality test, followed by some behavioural reframing. Then there'll be first round interviews, followed by some willingness to put yourself in a compromising position. If you get past that stage, there's a final stage interview on a yacht in Corfu, where you will be "entertained" by George and Nat.

If you're interested, application forms can be picked up at your local Common Purpose office.


Good news. It's going to be a tough year for British households. But not for mine, and that's all that matters. Sam and I are being well rewarded for screwing the British people to the wall for my good friend Rothschild and his Inter-Alpha banking cartel. 

But, as I say, the rest of the country is going to have a very hard 2011, as the cuts really start to bite. You know, it's easy to do this to people when your view of them has been changed. I had a nice French man called Olivier in No. 10 recently. He's a good friend of President Sarkozy, and he taught me a few things about how I view the world, and I discovered that I didn't quite see things correctly. Before, I imagined people as badgers. Badgers - they carry disease. I had no problem with with the idea of a cull, in principle, but they look quite nice, so I didn't want to cull more than necessary. And I always had Wind In The WIllows in my mind, so it held me back a bit.

So Olivier helped me, and now, I see ordinary people as ants. I don't mind squishing ants when I'm on a picnic. Why should I feel bad when people start keeling over because they can't get that operation any more, or because they can't afford to feed themselves? Its just like squishing ants.

All the while I and my new spin doctor will be feeding those that are left the lie that things would be worse without the budget cuts. Look, we know how ants think! And we can feed your little ant brains with just the right stuff to get them thinking the right way. We're working on your happiness, you see. And you will be happy, despite the fact that your standard of living is lower than the average Chinese factory slave.

Did I mention that you will not be able to feed yourselves soon? Did I tell you that? Soon that little piece of information is all you will have to digest, because we control the food. Yes, that's right, we now have control of global food supplies through our new bubble, "product backed exchange traded funds". We're hoarding it all in big warehouses that makes the EU food mountains look like Holland. And we're not letting you have it, oh no. And just to make sure, we've started getting hedge funds to buy out food processing companies. Add to that the effect of Codex Alimentarius, and the forthcoming legislation that means you can't grow your own, and you can imagine what it means. You didn't know about that? Well, we've kept our plans for that quiet, just like we did when we sold out the army to the French.

Another thing you'll not be able to do soon - get medical treatment unless you have a household income over £80,000 a year. 

Did you really think we would give GPs £80 billion to spend long term. On no. That's only for a couple of years, until they domeonstrate they can't do it. Look, how can they? How can they manage the budget, research and select providers, and do all the paperwork when they can hardly give you two minutes as it is? They are going to fail within a year, and when they do, we have the solution for you.

We are moving towards a private insurance architecture as fast as we can, and most of you won't be able to afford it. Its amazing what they can do today once they have your DNA. They can asses your risk of heart disease, cancer - a whole range of even the most obscure ailments. And guess what, the premiums are going to go through the roof. And to get insurance at all, you're going to have to behave yourselves. No smoking, no drinking, no sex, no outdoors. You're going to have to sit in front of your tellies while we fill your heads full of behavioural and happiness training.


They have stealth, cunning and determination, so you know I'm not talking about the Cabinet. No. 10 has a rat problem. Bit embarrassing, really, when I step out in front of the world's press to make a statement and I'm followed out the door by a rat. They want me to buy a cat, but I'm allergic to them. Prefer the rats, if I'm being honest.


What the hell am I going to do about the Lords? I mean, Tony did such an amazing job getting rid of the hereditaries, and now I have rebellion over electoral reform. So I'm going to "guillotine" it. I'm going to hold a vote in the Commons to stop the Lords debate before it can wreck my timetable. I'm calling it "guillotining" so that they get the message loud and clear by alluding to the French Revolution.

Constitution? Don't recognise it!