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A Close Call For Us Both

The Cabbage Patch Column
by | Tuesday, 30th March 2010
So George has said he'll go quietly if I decide he has to go. Its a really hard decision, and it's just as well I don't have to make any of those. I did my best for him, but frankly, I can't say no to Ken or his Tory Whip, and it seems like they've made their mind up, so I'm going to be a good boy and do what I'm told. Ken will probably make himself Shadow Chancellor once the election is called. In the end, Ken said, George just reminds too many people of Piers from "The New Statesman."

They're telling me it's a PR disaster, and that I have demonstrated that I am no leader. But what can I do? I can't get rid of Ashcroft or embarrass him publicly ... he pays my salary, for goodness sake!

So the PR boys have had a brainstorm, and decided that Sam should be given a central role in the coming election. They think she'll bring a bit of glamour into the campaign. I don't get it. Am I not glamourous? Aren't I photogenic? But they think we need to turn this election into much more of a US Presidential style campaign.

The PR boys say that since we have no policies, we need to make it about personalities, and so we need Sam. They rolled her out on Sunday. She was interviewed with me by Sir Trevor McDonald, so that she wouldn't be challenged too much. She told him that I'm young and dynamic, a real family guy who has never let her down.

What she didn't tell Trev is that my youth and dynamism come straight out of her cauldron.

I've been asked to stand up at the hustings in front of Christians! Don't they know Christians make me feel ill? The only upside is that Harriet Harman will be there as well, and since her history includes Liberty's support for the Paedophile Information Exchange, I'll probably be able to deflect most of the heat.

These events are called "Christians and Candidates." Its really funny, because they are being chaired by some bloke with a Muslim name! That'll confuse the plebs ...

I have to say, I'm getting a bit worried about the Party. They're all whining at me. Now some councillor from somewhere or other is writing to me whining that his colleagues are trying to get rid of him! I mean, come on, does he expect me to help? He's not even Common Purpose.

l-r Heseltine, Me, Matthew Byrne (convicted paedophile)l-r Heseltine, Me, Matthew Byrne (convicted paedophile)

Speaking of which, I had a near miss there. Someone posted a picture of me with convicted paedophile Matthew Byrne. I hardly knew the guy. How come my team didn't check him out properly? Should I dissociate myself from Common Purpose, just because Matthew Byrne was on their Advisory Board, or is it more than my life's worth?

I hope no-one asks me about it during the election debates.

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