Cabbage Patch Column

Sam and I had a visit from the SS the other day. No, not Angela, nor those gun-toting thugs in balaclavas that I have running around with those special warrant cards. No, Social Services, I mean.
They all think I’m out of touch! How does that work? It isn’t supposed to happen this way! Ken is supposed to tell me what to do, I’m supposed to do it, and you lot are supposed to love me for it! That’s what Ken and Michael have been telling me since I was a boy. And now 82% of you lot hate my guts! It’s not fair! It isn’t!
So, at last you are all starting to see me for what I really am. You lot thought I was ineffectual, weak, empty headed and devoid of all personality. You probably thought I was some kind of soulless clone. You were right, but I am also absolutely determined to do what I’m told. As soon as Ken gets his whips out, I know what I must do.
I'm in trouble. I had my annual performance review with Ken and his Tory whip just before the Bilderberg meeting in June, and my arse is still smarting, I can tell you! I have met none of my quarterly objectives for the last three quarters, and now I'm up against the wall, because this stuff was all supposed to be done before the financial crash.
It's not going well. I'm not happy! I'm not happy because poor old Dominique has been sacrificed.
So, you'll no doubt have heard  - I'm hiring! I need a new spin doctor - I had to give Andy the shove. I'm not sure where I'm going to find someone. Ideally I should have someone as slimey as Alastair Campbell. Do you think you fit the bill?
It is an honour and a privelege to stand here, before the party that I lead, before the country I intend to destroy, as the Conservative Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Corporation. I want to tell you today, in the clearest terms Michael and Ken can write for me, what we must do together.
"Hello Prime Minister," Michael and Ken would say to me when they came round to my house when I was a boy, "you're going to be the most famous man in the country when you grow up!"