Share |

The Cabbage Patch Column

Tuesday, May 1, 2012 - 2:36pm

They all think I’m out of touch! How does that work? It isn’t supposed to happen this way! Ken is supposed to tell me what to do, I’m supposed to do it, and you lot are supposed to love me for it! That’s what Ken and Michael have been telling me since I was a boy. And now 82% of you lot hate my guts! It’s not fair! It isn’t!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012 - 2:33pm

So, at last you are all starting to see me for what I really am. You lot thought I was ineffectual, weak, empty headed and devoid of all personality. You probably thought I was some kind of soulless clone. You were right, but I am also absolutely determined to do what I’m told. As soon as Ken gets his whips out, I know what I must do.

Saturday, January 28, 2012 - 1:00am

Tuesday, November 22, 2011 - 1:28pm
Wednesday, August 31, 2011 - 5:05pm

I'm in trouble. I had my annual performance review with Ken and his Tory whip just before the Bilderberg meeting in June, and my arse is still smarting, I can tell you! I have met none of my quarterly objectives for the last three quarters, and now I'm up against the wall, because this stuff was all supposed to be done before the financial crash.

The Cabbage Patch Column
Monday, May 23, 2011 - 4:34pm

It's not going well. I'm not happy! I'm not happy because poor old Dominique has been sacrificed.

The Cabbage Patch Column
Tuesday, February 1, 2011 - 1:00am

So, you'll no doubt have heard  - I'm hiring! I need a new spin doctor - I had to give Andy the shove. I'm not sure where I'm going to find someone. Ideally I should have someone as slimey as Alastair Campbell. Do you think you fit the bill?

The Cabbage Patch Column
Monday, October 18, 2010 - 11:01am

It is an honour and a privelege to stand here, before the party that I lead, before the country I intend to destroy, as the Conservative Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Corporation.

I want to tell you today, in the clearest terms Michael and Ken can write for me, what we must do together.

The Cabbage Patch Column
Monday, August 2, 2010 - 1:00am

"Hello Prime Minister," Michael and Ken would say to me when they came round to my house when I was a boy, "you're going to be the most famous man in the country when you grow up!"

The Cabbage Patch Column
Tuesday, March 30, 2010 - 1:00am

So George has said he'll go quietly if I decide he has to go. Its a really hard decision, and it's just as well I don't have to make any of those. I did my best for him, but frankly, I can't say no to Ken or his Tory Whip, and it seems like they've made their mind up, so I'm going to be a good boy and do what I'm told. Ken will probably make himself Shadow Chancellor once the election is called. In the end, Ken said, George just reminds too many people of Piers from "The New Statesman."

Sunday, January 31, 2010 - 1:00am

I struggle sometimes to understand what Ken tells me to say. It's just not fair. What does "noble profession" mean? Or "brazenly elitist?" Is anyone going to swallow that? I suppose its better than hollering "education, education, education!"

The Cabbage Patch Column
Thursday, October 1, 2009 - 1:00am

Last week was terrible!

Things were looking good on the Sunday, when Gordon gave his opening speech to a conference with almost nobody there. I mean, he looked like a complete twat, standing there talking to no-one. It was great!